It was very shocking to find out about the news through the email to USC students, faculty, staffs and personnel at so early an hour.
I didn't read the email until noon. It hit me with great impact.
Really. Great. Impact.
I felt a heavy feeling of sadness. But it was not grief or overwhelming sadness. Strangely it felt like I was sad yet unconcerned at the same time. Strange don't you think? I wonder if one is capable of feeling sad for someone or something that one feels unconcerned about... or it is just me...
But that sadness was a sort of blurry but lingering feeling. I went through the day as normal, forgetting about the murdered couple at some points in time. However, whenever someone talked about it or I recalled about it on my own, I felt, again, this indescribable feeling. It was sadness, unmistakably. But there was something more to it.
I then thought about their families and the grieving and sorrows that they were and would have to cope with. The thought of it wrung my heart. The sadness then overcame me again. This time more vivid and tangible. It certainly wasn't suffocating, that feeling. But rather it wrapped itself around my heart and cast its shadow over it, leaving not a peck of light.
The shadow stay was rather short. Afterward it just lingered on, leaving everything in a greyish color, very much dead and sad.
The thoughts of my family soon seeped in. I felt grateful that I was still alive. I don't know what would become of my parents if that were me. I am afraid to think any further. The prospect of pain that the thought brought about was too much to bear.
I have had family members dying in the past. I felt sadness, grief even. But strangely, I don't seem to recall feeling the unbearable sorrow and grieving that people often talked about. Maybe it was because those who passed away were not my immediate family? Maybe they were not close to me enough?
Regardless the reason, I sometimes felt that I am a cold unsympathetic and not very compassionate person. It grew more and more on me as a fact that I could not deny. I have already been aware of this in the back of my mind that I have never really felt any extreme emotions. It made me sad somehow, realizing that. It made me feel empty. As if I live but not to live at the same time.
I do have friends, good friends, as I only regard a few people as my friends. I have made great memories with them. When I think of that, I felt alive again. Then I realized again just how true the saying that no man is an island that can live alone forever. I value my solidarity but I also enjoy companionship at times. They make me feel complete.
The bottom line is, this incident once again reminds me of how precious and fragile life is. You never know what may happen next. The only thing for certain and in your control is the present, the right now. I have always agreed with the philosophy 'carpe diem,' and now more than ever do I believe in it. 'Seize the day!!!'
I have had family members dying in the past. I felt sadness, grief even. But strangely, I don't seem to recall feeling the unbearable sorrow and grieving that people often talked about. Maybe it was because those who passed away were not my immediate family? Maybe they were not close to me enough?
Regardless the reason, I sometimes felt that I am a cold unsympathetic and not very compassionate person. It grew more and more on me as a fact that I could not deny. I have already been aware of this in the back of my mind that I have never really felt any extreme emotions. It made me sad somehow, realizing that. It made me feel empty. As if I live but not to live at the same time.
I do have friends, good friends, as I only regard a few people as my friends. I have made great memories with them. When I think of that, I felt alive again. Then I realized again just how true the saying that no man is an island that can live alone forever. I value my solidarity but I also enjoy companionship at times. They make me feel complete.
The bottom line is, this incident once again reminds me of how precious and fragile life is. You never know what may happen next. The only thing for certain and in your control is the present, the right now. I have always agreed with the philosophy 'carpe diem,' and now more than ever do I believe in it. 'Seize the day!!!'
